Three very important words to remember when responding to a child are:
Acknowledge
Validate
Repair
Make a habit of responding to your child using this model and you will notice your emotional connection grow. It is a simple tool that has the wonderful advantage of buying you thinking time when you are unsure how to respond and what to say as the first step can as simple as voicing what you see. The premise of this strategy is that every behaviour is a communication. The child is expressing something about their internal and emotional world in that moment. Take a moment to pause and consider the following in your child's presenting behaviour:
Emotional age: is your child functioning at their chronological age or regressed?
Past story: trauma and memories
State: for example anxiety/ disconnection/ anger/ low self-esteem
Impulse: for example rejection/ self-hate/ disengagement
1. Acknowledge:
Simply say our loud what you are noticing and seeing: for example "I can see you're struggling and that you're showing me you're angry."
2. Validate:
Give permission to have the emotion: for example "I understand why you're feeling angry and that this is difficult for you."
Comfort and reassure: "I'm sorry it's so hard. I'm here for you. It's safe for you to be angry." Hug if appropriate.
3. Repair:
Make positive reparation: "let's think about what we can do to manage this together." This might be a step you come back to later when your child is calmer. For example, "you broke Bob's toy yesterday when you were so angry, what can we do to show you're sorry, and what can we do to help you manage your angry feelings more safely in future."
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