Let’s begin with a reminder about what we mean by this:
What do we mean by “the Yes Approach”? It’s about actively using a positive, engaged stance by:
· Acknowledging and validating your child.
· Being curious about what they are saying.
· Opening up a dialogue where you receive their thoughts and ideas.
· Listening and communicating with them.
Why we encourage parents to respond with a positive mindset to their children was looked at briefly in the last blog, and examples were given. I am aware from interactions I have observed, and incidents reported to me, that shifting your approach and using different language is something many of you are struggling with. I think the first hurdle might be to recognise your own pattern of negative reaction.
Responding to children with negativity gets established through experience. This may come from your childhood, your adult interactions, as well as your stories as parents. I have witnessed how this translates into dynamics – a child presents something; the parent immediately sees all that could go wrong with the idea and this taints their response. You could be right; it could go wrong. Your reservations may be valid. However, in that moment you are reacting. You are not taking a pause to breathe and respond appropriately, kindly, or therapeutically to your child. I strongly believe that an enthusiastic response such as: “Wow, that’s a great idea, let’s think about it together” or “That’s really insightful, now you’ve said it I can see it makes sense, let’s think about how to make it work!” - is going to help you connect with your child. From a connected position you can explore together.
You can follow this up with: “We could try this…” and “When this happens, we might need to compromise”. However, jumping straight into these kinds of responses as your starting point completely misses out steps 1 and 2 of the 4 stepped therapeutic response: Connecting emotionally and validating your child through acknowledgment. Without these first steps you are showing very little curiosity, and you aare not signalling that you’re open to a dialogue or wanting to explore further with them. It says that you’re seeing potential downfalls and you’re immediately putting boundaries in place, even shutting down their ideas.
Therapeutic parenting does mean holding boundaries and you might be doing that really well. But in the wider picture of responding to your child with a positive mindset you have jumped too far ahead and not responded in a way that makes them feel seen and heard, and they have not felt you get ‘along-side’ them. I invite you to reflect on your interactions and, with kindness and compassion towards yourself, notice your patterns. This is the first step in being able to create change.
We also need to explore complex situations where a child wants “no”. In those moments it is likely to feel to you that your child is being deliberate and manipulative. At times like these, remembering they have experienced early years trauma, and it is this that is emerging, is crucial. The behaviour is a trauma response which has been triggered at some point in their day, or even the day before, and they’ve managed to keep it together until a ‘final straw’ made everything too much. For some children, peace and harmony are overwhelming; there is an unconscious pull to sabotage good times and recreate the chaos and disaccord of their early years.
You are effectively being pulled into a drama triangle. If you are dealing with your child alone, you are going to feel pulled in two different directions: rescuer and persecutor. You’ll be finding it hard to be consistent as your child, positioning themselves as a victim, is stirring mixed emotions and responses in you. If you are dealing with your child as a couple, one of you will become the rescuer whilst the other takes on the perpetrator hat.
As well as responding inconsistently, your child may also cause splitting. You may experience the roles changing; it may be at times your child becomes the perpetrator who has caused an incident, one of the parents assumes the victim position whilst the other recues. It may feel that you are all trapped in a whole load of unhelpful dynamics and a messy situation.
Having recognised the Drama Triangle you can shift to a different dynamic; I think the ‘Winners Triangle’ is a good starting point to look at what you’re aiming for.
Use of the Winners Triangle invites your child to recognise the emotions behind their action. It helps them to process what has triggered the need to be told off / told no, the need to split, sabotage, create disharmony. They are given permission to have those feelings; and they can be communicated safely. Your role is to be an agent of change through shifting your responses, to become ‘Assertive’ and ‘Nurturing’. For those of you familiar with Therapeutic Parenting and models we advocate, you will recognise the Circle of Security’s motto in those roles: Always be Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind. Whenever possible - follow your Child’s Need. Whenever necessary - Take Charge.
Whilst it would be inappropriate to respond with enthusiasm, meeting your child with curiosity, acknowledging them, and validating their experience and verbalised need with no judgement, and offering your support and understanding, remain the Therapeutic Parenting responses that will connect you to your child as they will feel seen and heard. This is key to moving forward and restoring some sense of harmony and togetherness.
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