Having recently witnessed some interactions and had incidents described to us that might have taken a different turn with a slight language adjustment from the parent, we decided to offer our parents a little workshop to think about how to think “yes”. The evening was attended by some of the experienced therapeutic parents who have regularly attended our parenting group in the past. We were therefore able to collect a wealth of strategies from them to share with all of you who were unable to attend.
What do we mean by “yes”:
· Acknowledge and validate your child.
· Be curious about what they are saying.
· Open up a dialogue where you receive their thoughts and ideas.
· Listen and communicate with them.
Being a parent is exhausting and we appreciate that sometimes the automatic “no” response is all you might feel you have the capacity for. However, “no” creates rupture and disconnect. “Yes” creates connection and repair. Just like doing star jumps when your energy is low will give you renewed energy rather than tire you out, engaging with your child will revive you. It will create opportunities to strengthen the bond between you and contribute to building a secure attachment to you.
Children need boundaries, containment, and structure. This is true and we advocate this. However, we are observing their school days to be filled with strict rules about all they must not do. They are repeatedly told they cannot do x, y, z. They’re tired of hearing “no”. They need to be empowered. As parents you can do this by shifting your responses.
A key point is that children’s behaviours, actions, demands, wishes, wants, are never for no reason. We might not know the reason. They might not know it or understand it either. It isn’t going to become clearer by shutting down a child with a “no", “don’t do that”, “you can’t do that”, “stop that”. You might begin to make sense about what is going on in their inner world together with more positive responses such as “tell me more about your thoughts about doing this”, “let’s find a way together”, “here’s what you can do”.
Here are some real-life examples of “yes” responses:
A couple have beautifully managed the ice-cream van and the request for daily ice-cream by suggesting to their children that they could earn money to buy their own ice-cream at the weekend through completing chores during the week. This works because the children are getting ice-cream; their request has been heard. They are feeling good about themselves through contributing to the household’s upkeep; they’re gaining a sense of belonging and being part of a functioning family. They’re gaining a sense of worth; they’re receiving an “income” and can buy their own ice cream.
A child struggling with past food deprivation is frequently asking for food in between meals and immediately after snacks. His parents invite him to wait 20 minutes to see if he’s still hungry, enough time to allow his tummy to send a message to his brain that its received food and is okay now, or still hungry. When the child is still hungry and it’s nearing dinner time, the meal’s vegetables are made available for him to eat. This works because the hunger is acknowledged, and the child is being supported in regulating and noticing his body’s signals. Food is given to him when he is hungry without it affecting his meals.
Having ‘the conversation’ is hugely significant for our children and adolescents. You might get requests and know without a doubt that it’s going to be a no. However, rather than saying no immediately, explore your child’s request. You might be able to engage their prefrontal cortex and support them in reaching the conclusion themselves that it is in fact not a great idea for now. You might open up your thinking through listening to their enthusiasm and consider a compromise or how it might work at a different time. Be authentic when you need to be; it might be that the no is because of financial constraints and that it is appropriate for them to know this and witness your genuine upset that you are not able to provide this for them.
We also spoke about structuring activities, so children begin to gain an understanding of weekday options and how they differ from weekend choices. When a child asks for something ignoring this schedule, remind them kindly and gently of when they can next do it, acknowledging you’re noticing they’d like to do it now, counting days/ sleeps with them until they’ll be able to enjoy it. Please don’t presume they know.
With regards to routine and not so much about the topic of saying yes, try to create occasional opportunities for spontaneity and out of the ordinary. This is to enable your child to learn to manage surprises and the unexpected, in a safe environment, like a practice for the unavoidable last-minute changes of real life.
Be wary of ‘the conditional yes’. “Yes if” and “yes when you’ve done x, y, z” are close to behaviour / reward chart territory – which is not a recommended strategy for children who have experienced trauma and disrupted attachment. These may be appropriate words following a conversation that explores a request and part of a compromise offered. For example, you might indeed need to see your child can cycle the route to school safely before you say yes. The issue with behavioural / reward approaches is that for a child the experience of failing when they haven’t managed to stick to the “good/ agreed” “behaviour/actions” is acute. They are not able to rationalise and see it in perspective. In that moment, for them it’s a failure and there is the potential they will wreck everything as their feeling of shame is so persecutory.
We also chatted about the “you can do this when you’re older and earn your own money” type of answer. It’s important this does not become a stock response that means “no”. It might be an appropriate humorous answer you give your child after you’ve engaged in dialogue with them about something they want, and they haven’t convinced you of the wisdom of the idea. Remember, “yes” isn’t about agreeing to everything from chocolate now to pet tarantulas to cycling to school and later bedtimes during holidays. It’s about engaging in dialogue and communicating with your child.
Remember to use “remember”. This was one of our examples in using positive language. Too often the English language conditions us to use negative words. We are habitually told what not to do: “don’t forget your lunch”; “do not enter”; “don’t touch”, “keep off the grass “, “no running”, “you can’t watch that – you’re not 18”. And our habitual negative answer to “How are you feeling?” - “not too bad”. Be mindful about this and try to switch to the positive stance. “Remember to take your pack-up”; “stay on the path”; “hold my hand”; “you can watch any of these many [age appropriate] things”. And “I’m feeling ok, moderately well, thanks”.
As our children enter their teen years and adolescence, their world is widening out. Social media is huge, as is the number of channels available to watch, including YouTube. There may be many requests to which you want to say no. This is where a perception shift is required to overcome all these hurdles: if your child is asking for your permission - rejoice! This means they’re not doing it behind your back, and you can have a conversation about online safety together. You can keep exploring the topic with them. Be curious about their experiences. This is also an opportunity to focus on all the things they can watch and access when they grumble about restrictions.
We believe that by implementing a consistent “yes approach: receiving your child’s thoughts with a positive response” you will be strengthening your relationship with your child, getting to know them, and supporting them in gaining a sense of their identity through engaging in dialogue with you. You will be helping your child to think things through and modelling a considered response. You will discover whether your child’s ‘want’ is impulsive based on what they saw someone else have, or whether it is a genuine interest. This approach will also make a “no” received more calmly, because you are already connected: you have taken the time to connect emotionally with you child.
Sometimes your child wants a “no”. They are full of mixed up, dark, confusing and messy feelings and they need an outlet. And you’re it because it’s safe to be angry with you. So, unconsciously, they ask you for something they know they can’t have. Sweets 5 minutes before dinner for example or going swimming just before bedtime. They’ve been holding onto angry energy, and it needs to come out. Agreeing is not going to be useful. However, acknowledging and validating them is. It is safe for you to let your child know that you have noticed this pattern of needing to be angry with you when they’re overwhelmed by their emotions, and they have permission to express all their emotions; you can think together about how this can be done safely, together. They are showing you they need you. We will explore the complex issue of ‘asking for a no which makes you feel guilty and want to say yes’ in our next blog.
Huge thanks to the parents who came to share their stories and experience.
Yorumlar